Start from the start
I have a confession to make.
For the last few weeks and months (well, probably longer, if I’m really being honest), I’ve been planning an escape route. Drafting in my mind a final post. Recapping the last almost-eight years. Plotting ways to put a period on my blogging career altogether.
Except that, every time I think about actually sitting down to write that epilogue, to tell you that I’m done here, that blogging has changed and that I’ve changed, too, I start to feel an immense sense of sadness. Second thoughts creep into my headspace like verdant vines grabbing hold, and then I remember why I started blogging in the first place.
To write about my life.
When I started my blog in 2004, I didn’t do it with the intention of monetizing content or creating a brand for myself. I did it because my then-fiance worked nights, and I was bored. But then it quickly turned into Something. People started reading and commenting, and I was buoyed by the strange-to-many notion that someone in another part of the country whom I’d never met found my words and stories interesting or amusing or even, at times, inspiring. That they came back, before RSS feeds and Google Reader, of their own volition for more.
In the almost-eight years that I’ve occupied this small piece of real estate on the internet, I’ve met some truly incredible people I never would’ve known had I not opened a Blogspot account that October night in 2004. I wouldn’t have the job I still have today had I not met Kate. I wouldn’t know Jon and Andrea and their brood of delightful children my son calls his friends. I wouldn’t have met Sizzle and danced with her at my first Zumba class. I wouldn’t have a standing drinks-and-dinner date at BookExpo with Jennie or Ginger. I wouldn’t have shared pizza with RA and her husband at Delancey just the other weekend.
And of course, I never would’ve known Kerri, who I feel privileged to consider one of my very best friends in the whole world.
I miss blogging. I miss being able to open up a blank doc and just write about any and everything, from the most serious of topics to the silliest, and to know that there’s at least someone out there who will relate, who can in turn offer advice, or simply just commiserate. I miss being able to tell a story that’s longer than 140 characters. I miss an inbox full of comment notifications. I miss reading other people’s blogs, too.
Blogging has changed, there’s no doubt about it, and I could go on about the business of blogging, how I’ve dipped my toes into the sponsored and paid content pool only to feel like I was lost at sea, or how social media has all but killed long-form blogging, but the more paramount issue is that I’ve changed a lot, too. The less anonymous I became, and the more family and close friends started reading my blog, the more I felt myself closing off and retreating from the online spotlight, cognizant of the familiar faces in the audience and how my words and stories might affect the people I know and love. As a mother, I’ve also become more selective in what I choose to share online, on Twitter, Facebook and here, not so sure that every nuance of raising a son has to be documented or Instagrammed for it to have happened. Some stories, some memories, are just for me.
There’s also just this inexplicable pressure when you’re a blogger, to always be increasing traffic or pageviews, to cross-promote and link back to and name-drop, and frankly, I’m done with that part of blogging. I said goodbye to advertisements awhile ago, and I’m two days away from being able to give notice at another sponsorship site to which I belong. I want to get back to my blogging roots, to again write about my life, how I want and when I want, and not feel beholden to anyone other than myself.
The truth is, I want to give blogging another try before closing the door for good. I don’t think I’m done yet; I think I just need to NOT think about it so hard. To start from the start.
***
Hi, I’m Jen. I’m 32. We have a lot of catching up to do.
Posted on August 13, 2012 | Category: Uncategorized | 15 Comments
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This makes me incredibly happy. I’m so glad I found your writing (seriously, I love reading what and how you write), and even though you will *always* have a standing dinner & drinks date with me whether you blog or not, I’m glad to get more chances to read your words too.
Here’s to not thinking, just writing.
August 13th, 2012 @ 3:28 pmHooray! Welcome back.
August 13th, 2012 @ 3:31 pmSo well said. I think that when we (well, when *I*) see the comments and page views decreasing, we assume it’s because our writing has suffered and shy away from doing more of the same. But we never started off writing for anyone but us anyway. When I remind myself that I’m writing to record and writing to reflect on one day, I exhale a little and enjoy the process a lot more.
(I’ll always be reading, and I look forward to reconnecting!)
August 13th, 2012 @ 4:02 pmYour friends are right .. Write for you, for therapy, and because it’s who you are – a writer.
August 13th, 2012 @ 6:14 pmAlways checking. Always reading. And blogging doesn’t mean you have to share everything. Not at all. Just what you want. And we’ll read it.
August 14th, 2012 @ 5:51 amHi, Jen – and welcome back.
I’ll gladly read whatever thoughts you ever feel like sharing here, and – outside of blogging – I’m grateful to have found your family in my life. You’re pretty great, is what I think I’m trying to say.
August 14th, 2012 @ 9:09 amBlogging really has changed. When I say that I sometimes feel like an old guy saying, “when I was a kid your age…” but it’s true! I’ve often felt lost in the sea of bloggers that have flooded the internet in the last few years. It’s so hard to keep afloat! But, writing about my life is cathartic for me. I’ve never been more sure that I need blogging in my life than right now. Sharing what’s going on for me with my health has been incredible. I’ve connected with people I would never know otherwise and I feel so damn lucky. It’s reminded me that even if my comments have gone from 90 to 12, people are still reading and connecting with me. You really never know who you are inspiring or delighting by sharing your own truth.
Keep writing. Keep sharing. It’s still worth it.
August 14th, 2012 @ 10:09 amI’m so glad you decided to continue blogging. I have missed your updates.
August 14th, 2012 @ 6:46 pmBlogging has totally changed–the part that saddens me is the lack of replies when things used to easily get comments from all my regular readers, no matter how silly. (And those could be as short as Tweets, so no argument can be made that comment-effort is an attention span thing). I hope that everyone who complains they don’t get as many comments still comment on everyone else’s blog that they read. And then of course is the money thing, although I’d only be interested in that if I didn’t have my day job anymore. But it’s led to a lot of bloggers being bought by brands, which is sad to see. (And some bloggers who have excelled in the face of it, which is awesome to see!)
I’ve changed too, and gotten more private as my job has gotten more public. And I’ve taken lonnnnng breaks as a result. But now I’m finding I have blank spots in my memory where I didn’t write. And that makes me sad. And I miss my blog friends. So I am trying to make a comeback too.
We’ll figure this out together!
Yes! To everything! I went through this exact thing not too long ago. I was thisclose to quitting blogging for all the reasons you state. It was just so different, and I didn’t fit anymore. But I just trudged through, and eventually I found my voice again. Maybe because of all my struggles to become a mother – it gave me something to write about, something all too many people can relate to. But it felt good. And I reconnected with some good blog friends I had met along the way, and made a few new ones. My little circle is small, but it is meaningful, and I think I’d miss that if I left the blog world.
I’m glad I decided to stay, though who knows for how long, and I’m so glad you decided to stay for now too. Can’t wait to get reacquainted!
August 15th, 2012 @ 10:01 amHi, Jen.
Loved this, and I so totally relate. Looking forward to reading more about you, friend. xo
August 15th, 2012 @ 11:25 amYour thoughts about how more people in your circle reading the blog has leading you to be more closed off really resonates with me. Since my site has leaked to different people over time, I find myself writing about less “real” stuff. But I also think that’s okay. Not every blogger can be raw and poignant, at least not all the time. I do think we can strive to be genuine and honest, though, regardless of the topic.
Glad to see you back.
August 15th, 2012 @ 12:17 pmYou have always been one of my favorites. I’m glad you are willing to keep sharing with us.
August 16th, 2012 @ 11:35 amYay!
August 16th, 2012 @ 11:44 amInteresting fact – you are the second person in as many days that I’ve seen talking about the shift that blogging has taken in recent years.
Interesting fact #2 – both you and the other writer discuss it from the perspective of blogging becoming less genuine life-sharing and more audience-focused content.
Which made me reflect briefly on why I blog. Especially because I have a very small group of people who read mine. But I think you hit the nail on the head when you talked about writing things that are relevant to you, and that maybe would be relevant to even one other person out in the universe. That’s why I blog…and I hope that’s why you will continue to blog, too. =)
August 20th, 2012 @ 9:34 amLove this post, Jen. And I completely agree with all you’ve said. I, too, have thought a lot about quitting since – who really reads blogs anymore? We’ve got the lazy, fast FB or Twitter to keep in touch. And yet. I once enjoyed crafting a witty post and sharing some things about myself that really connected me to others in surprising ways. It made me feel less alone. Much to think about.
August 24th, 2012 @ 11:39 am